Relationships are getting tougher and tougher to start/maintain/last

[CadBane]

So I realize this is a little bit shall we say maybe an unconventional subject for this forum. However, I think it could lead to some interesting conversation. I'm in my early 30's and it's tough out there. Alot of women(men too) don't know what they want. Social media for a lack of a better term is evil lol. I use that term loosely, but seriously it creates the illusion of endless options. That's just my opinion. People think why try and make something work when you can jump on an app and meet someone new. I was seeing someone for almost 6 months. She was 23 and a half when I met her 24 when it ended. Refused to call what we had a relationship and wanted no titles attached(bf/gf). This seems to be a big thing with alot of people less then 30 these days. What are Your guys thoughts on relationships now these days?

 

[VideoViper]

As I entered my late 20s I released the (both men & women) how should we say.... there is a reason they are still single. (& stay single)

Ultimately I found something I was interested in (church) & from there met people my age who were a little more aligned to where I was in life. This is how I met my wife & no regrets about whatever I might have missed when I was younger.

I never liked the dating apps & my best advice find what makes you happy & the rest will start to fall into place. You can’t force something that isn’t there, nor do you want to deal with that crap 10 years down the line. I didn’t find someone until I stopped looking. Which allowed a more organic path.

 

[keknivek]

Let me start by saying that I'm glad I didn't have to deal with social media while growing up/dating. I know some wonderful couples that met Online so I would certainly say if you are in that scenario, it can work, but I tried it for a few months before I found my wife and it was a disaster.

I didn't get married until 2009 when I was 36 and my wife was one week from turning 28. Not that it really means anything, but I was a college baseball player, 6'4... not terrible to look at so it's not like I had no options. Looks, however, will not last. I decided early on that I wasn't going to get married unless I found someone that I could truly just be myself with. I dated one girl because she was coaching at the same school where I was teaching and coaching. I dated another because she was beautiful but had no real ambition and little to talk about. Another girl was a friend from childhood that I reconnected with down the line, but nothing made sense longterm.

You'll know when it hits you. Some people are so desperate that they'll force something and then regret it. For me, I was set up by a friend that knew us both. She was not my type, and by that I don't mean not cute or not fun, but I found out that "my type" was not really what I wanted.

A fun story: We both had a little secret. I saw her as kind of a tomboy but endearingly awkward, but smart and game to try anything. That pretty much sums me up as well but I also collect toys and I wasn't all that up front about it with anyone I dated. So the story is... we went to her parents house and she seemed a little panicked because it was not planned. I assumed she was nervous about the whole 'meet the parents' thing (even though I sort of knew her parents since her dad was on the school board where I worked and her mom was a secretary in the elementary). She blurts out "I'm not a weirdo but you are going to see a lot of DOLLS that I've collected." I was just like 'so'? And she said, "well... wait until you see my doll collection, it's a lot". And I replied with 'Wait until you see MINE." And didn't explain but showed her all the Star Wars stuff not long after.

Some things are just meant to be.

 

[djcos25]

Relationships are so different today and I blame social media for that. Even just trying to date in general. With all these dating apps, people have so many options at their fingertips. Don't like someone? Unmatch. People will drop someone over something so minor and go to another person. Its tough and with the covid situation going on its not helping matters.

I'm 34 and have been in 3 relationships, all of which I was never truly happy in. Most of my friends are in serious relationships or married so sometimes I feel left out, so to speak. But with how my last relationship ended - it was only a few months but towards the end she gave me attitude for almost everything I did. It got to a point where I was making excuses not to see her. She broke up with me, only for 5 months later to show up at my house saying she was sorry and wanted to see me again. I axed that pretty quickly. I'd rather be alone than miserable. With how she treated me, and especially now with covid, I've stopped putting in effort for the time being.

I'm just tired of the games, no text back, ghosting, people who can't carry a conversation, its tiring and not worth it. I'm so used to my routine now, I work a typical 9-5 job, and maintain my house over the weekend or when I have time. I like being able to do what I want, when I want. It's going to take someone pretty special to change that.

 

[keknivek]

I used to use that with my brother when he got married. You go and call your wife... I'll just do whatever I want ALL the time.

That is why I say you have to find someone you can just be yourself with. My wife ADDS to my life and I don't have to take anything away. Sure I don't buy as much stuff as I used to and no I don't just come and go as I please... I have 4 kids now BUT that was a great trade. Four kids and family fun vs. hanging out in places I didn't care about with people I didn't really care about.

Games suck. My suggestion: Get involved in something where the people care about something other than themselves. Volunteer somewhere. Join a club that focuses on something you like. Coach a local youth league. Online is basically the worst bar you've ever been in.

 

[Cobalt60]

I don't have much experience with "relationships" (in general).

I'm still working on my very first relationship. 35 years and counting. NOT including the first three years in the "friend-zone".



my advice? start with a friend.

I always found it strange when people would introduce me to their "significant other" (whom they only just met last week).

I mean, if you don't actually KNOW the person yet... then that label doesn't mean what you think it means.

and let's face it: it's hard to actually "know" someone, from their social media "propaganda" / "self-promotion" efforts on IG.

I mean, if there's one thing we ALL understand intuitively (from growing up in a world of television advertising) it's "salesmanship"

I think most people do it, without even thinking about it.

social media has become a platform for "advertising" how special our own lives are -- like everyone's own personal Colgate commercial.

next thing you know, we've got an entire generation stuck in a rut, living "satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones....

"When I'm watchin' my [IG] and a man comes on and tells me
How white my shirts can be....
I can't get no satisfaction, I can't get no girl reaction... hey hey hey..." (etc)

^^ in Reality(tm), nothing is EVER as it appears on TV (or IG for that matter) -- and the more we pine for it, the more UNhappy it makes us.

 

[Cobalt60]

Online is basically the worst bar you've ever been in.

^^this

 

[Mandalorian1129]

Online dating is like anything else, you get out of it what you put in. I utilized it when I got divorced back in 2011. I had tremendous fun meeting new ladies. Had fun going on dates. I knew what I wanted & I was up front about it.
i figured once I started it, it would take maybe about a couple of years before I found the right lady. It only took me about a year.

 

[Masterfett]

I think it's a simple matter of finding someone with the same interests and goals in life as yourself, by whatever means that is available be it local gatherings etc. Online thing can work but it might involve the long distance thing for a while, which can test even the strongest relationships. Most apps seem geared towards simply dating/hookups rather than a long term thing, although I'm sure there are those few. While many say age is just a number it doesn't often work out if there is a large gap in age, as they don't generally have the same things I common. Or their interests don't align towards the same goal at the same time. I truly don't know how people 20 years apart do it. I look at someone 20 years younger and all I see, well a lot of difference.

 

[mousedroid]

What are Your guys thoughts on relationships now these days?

My thought is: I'm glad I'm engaged to a wonderful woman. If I wasn't, I'd be fully committed to being single the rest of my life.

Good luck out there. I hear it's brutal.

 

[DarkArtist]

I'm a widow.. so for me it was extremely hard trying to jump back into the waters of dating or relationships in general. I had too many mixed feelings and emotions running through my head that it made trying to find a special someone to spend time with very difficult. "Am I cheating on my wife?" "Is it too soon to start dating someone again?" I felt like I was going to be alone forever.

I tried a dating site (and was told I was not compatible), tried another dating site (meet me) and learned that the majority of the people on that site were not 100% honest... I started dating on woman who lied about being divorced which put an end to the relationship immediately. I was briefly dating another woman which ended with me having to put out a restraining order against her. I started dating another woman but it went no where and we just decided to be friends instead of in a relationship.

recently a friend of mine introduced me to a friend of his and we hit it off immediately. We've been dating now since the beginning of August and it's been amazing. We have the same values, beliefs and interests and my kids really like her.

so yes the I have to agree that starting / getting into a relationship and maintaining the relationship is indeed more difficult that in the past but I truly believe we are not meant to be alone. We need to find that special someone who can take us as is, hold us in their arms and start a new journey with them. I'm excited as to where the journey with my new girlfriend will take me. My advice to everyone is Don't give up. If it's meant to be than it's meant to be. Don't just settle for anyone...

 

[Masterfett]

so yes the I have to agree that starting / getting into a relationship and maintaining the relationship is indeed more difficult that in the past but I truly believe we are not meant to be alone. We need to find that special someone who can take us as is, hold us in their arms and start a new journey with them. I'm excited as to where the journey with my new girlfriend will take me. My advice to everyone is Don't give up. If it's meant to be than it's meant to be. Don't just settle for anyone...

it's interesting because I too feel that "Humans" in general need a partner to share things/life with for an ultimate happiness. Not that you need said person to make you happy, but being happy together is true happiness. And I don't intend for this to go off topic, but it seems a trend today that pushes "aloneness" that you don't need someone lese to be happy, and while may work for some temporarily I can't see it working out long term because Humans were designed with companionship in mind.

So unless you believe that we were only created for the sole purpose to procreate, then companionship is needed at some point throughout our life.

 

[r2d6kelly]

You don't find relationships, they find you. So more you try looking for that special someone, the less chance it will happen. Only advice is keep eyes open for certain signals from a person. And always be yourself. Because if they don't like you for you, then not going to work out.

 

[djcos25]

You don't find relationships, they find you. So more you try looking for that special someone, the less chance it will happen. Only advice is keep eyes open for certain signals from a person. And always be yourself. Because if they don't like you for you, then not going to work out.

Also if they like you/are interested, they will make time for you. Sadly it took me a long time to realize that.

 

[r2d6kelly]

Ah young padawan, you've learned the ways of the force.

 

[VideoViper]

The difference between a married man & a single man.

A Married man can always tell when a woman who is not his wife, is interested in him & wants to be with him, however the second he becomes single he loses this new found ability. aka by acting on it.

 

[Cobalt60]

^^ I think sometimes that shoe is on the other foot.

ie: (most) people want what they cannot have...

...so when a man becomes single/available, then those women don't notice him anymore. LOL

 

[VideoViper]

Exactly!

 

[Tulgah]

I’m glad I’m old. It sounds like being young is a nightmare.

If I weren’t married, I guess I’d try to find someone during some regular social activity of some kind. I do a lot of things, and meet a lot of people, so maybe I’d have a chance to connect with someone in person. That’s about the only way I’d want to pursue it.

 

[Eight_Nunb]

So I realize this is a little bit shall we say maybe an unconventional subject for this forum. However, I think it could lead to some interesting conversation. I'm in my early 30's and it's tough out there. Alot of women(men too) don't know what they want. Social media for a lack of a better term is evil lol. I use that term loosely, but seriously it creates the illusion of endless options. That's just my opinion. People think why try and make something work when you can jump on an app and meet someone new. I was seeing someone for almost 6 months. She was 23 and a half when I met her 24 when it ended. Refused to call what we had a relationship and wanted no titles attached(bf/gf). This seems to be a big thing with alot of people less then 30 these days. What are Your guys thoughts on relationships now these days?

She's 23 ffs. This isn't rare. This is called "sowing your wild oats" before settling down. Many, many guys do this too. Hell I did it.

I've dated a bunch of women recently who want a serious longterm relationship. In fact the vast majority of girls past their early or mid-20's want something longterm in my experience.

 

[Eight_Nunb]

You don't find relationships, they find you. So more you try looking for that special someone, the less chance it will happen.

That's not necessarily the case at all. If you wait for fate to happen without effort you could be waiting a very long time.

 

[r2d6kelly]

And sometimes patience pays off. If not , you still lead a happy life getting to do what you want on your own terms.

 

[Tulgah]

I just read a long article from my news feed about how thousands of people are using certain apps to find someone to have kids with without being in any kind of romantic relationship. They’re not dating and they never live together; they just raise the kid. I found it baffling, but some people I guess are willing to go that route.

 

[Masterfett]

Probably not the oddest thing I'll ever read or hear, but it's up there! I guess it's about as good as one night stand in a bar resulting in a child, or wasting time in a relationships only to break up right before it's born or soon after.

I wonder how child support works in this scenario.

 

[CadBane]

So my "ex" just called me an hour ago asking for a favor. It was something that required me imediately but I'm conveniently not in my home town right now. We still talked for 8 minutes and she wants me to visit her at her cafe tomorrow night. We both agreed to stay friends but I thought it was just something that she was just saying at the time and there was no truth to it. We broke up first week of August. There was alot of back and forth first few weeks but in early September we ended the communication. Maybe she actualy does want to stay friends. I would like that because I do enjoy her company. I wouldn't want to continue with her with anything more serious though. The trust was lost because of her lack of loyalty if you know what I mean. Proud to say I never cheated and I never will.

 

[djcos25]

I matched with someone on Bumble recently. I like the app as it forces the women to make the first move (only women can message first). She messages me a gif of a dog popping its head up saying hi. So I respond "hey how's it going?"

Unmatched.


Me:

 

[Masterfett]

I'm guessing that you were supposed to respond with a puppy gif of your own, relaying that you too like dogs way too much.

 

[VideoViper]

So my "ex".......... she wants me to visit her at her cafe tomorrow night. We both agreed to stay friends but I thought it was just something that she was just saying at the time and there was no truth to it. We broke up first week of August. There was alot of back and forth first few weeks but in early September we ended the communication. Maybe she actualy does want to stay friends.

 

[keknivek]

It's not impossible to be friendly with an ex. There is only really one person I dated (for more than a month or so) that I have zero interest in seeing ever again. The others were just not meant to be.

The only thing I would say NOT to do is hide in your house or try to be something you are not. That doesn't mean you don't have to work on your conversational skills, personal hygiene, or expand your interests... but own who you are. If you don't know who you are... do some soul searching or travel somewhere by yourself and just exist in that new space. << seriously good advice there.

 

[CadBane]

Videoviper you are probably right.

 

[Tulgah]

August really isn’t that long ago. Maybe she’s feeling a little seller’s remorse. The cafe meeting should be interesting. I hope everything is alright with her.

 

[Tulgah]

I’ve also just realized, perhaps for the first actual time, just how ugly Admiral Ackbar is. The inside of his mouth is rather grotesque. I wouldn’t stick my finger in there.

 

[CadBane]

I matched with someone on bumble last wednesday. She messaged me right away(guys can't text first) and we had a nice text conversation back and forth all day. Then I initiated the conversations for the following three days. After that I decided she has to write first if this going to work. Haven't heard from her in the past few days. That's fine though, I'm not repeating my previous mistakes. I pretty much always texted my ex first. Really tried to make it work. 90% of the time my ex texted first was when she wanted a favor or needed something. The dynamics of a relationship start very early on. Relationships need to be 50/50 or close to it. I learned that the hard way.

 

[MysterioMaximus]

Truth is...for me I quite literally just got out of an over three year relationship with a woman about two months ago. I thought she was the one. But things happen...like the pandemic. I could talk all day about how I felt she wronged me, but end of the day...while she isn't innocent...I accept now it's really my fault as to why it ended.

I have struggled with a horrible alcohol problem for about five years. I even went to jail due to it. I'm tired of hiding it. I'm not proud of it by any means, but since I've definitely learned some things. One is to embrace your flaws, it's the only way to get better. The other is to stop pointing fingers and come into full accountability. It's not easy, but it has to be done.

I think, personally, sure things have changed. There are a billion sexualities now.

I love dancing with women. Perhaps the one who got away from me was named Elena Bridges. For over 15 years we'd be off and on lovers, best friends, confidants. Yet we never dated, albeit slept together often. Not officially. At times that bothered me, but now? I'm just so grateful. I remember dancing with her the most. She loved to take me dancing. She was stunning...way better than I deserved. Like the talk of the night for every guy, did you see that gorgeous blonde in the painted on blue dress? Why was she with that loser? Man it was a high....

I looked at her as a trophy. Not intentionally, but subconsciously. I liked men were jealous of me. And there I was, when not dancing with her, just watching this what I believed angel dance for me. She was stunning. The kind of beauty that takes breath away. One night, early on, I even asked her to waltz with me. So there we were....waltzing in a parking lot.

...and all these years later I realize she still is gorgeous. But I approached it wrong. I've approached a lot wrong in my life...

I used that same waltz on Holly in a parking lot.

I don't think the dating scene has changed all that much. I think what needs to change is the male approach. Romance isn't dead. Sure for some women, it is. But are those really the ones you want? The question isn't has the dating game become more brutal.

I question is ....is that how you see it?

 

[Masterfett]

I matched with someone on bumble last wednesday. She messaged me right away(guys can't text first) and we had a nice text conversation back and forth all day. Then I initiated the conversations for the following three days. After that I decided she has to write first if this going to work. Haven't heard from her in the past few days. That's fine though, I'm not repeating my previous mistakes. I pretty much always texted my ex first. Really tried to make it work. 90% of the time my ex texted first was when she wanted a favor or needed something. The dynamics of a relationship start very early on. Relationships need to be 50/50 or close to it. I learned that the hard way.

honestly I feel like it's no win scenarios because if you initiated the convo you're seen as needy, yet if you wait on her to do it then you're seen as uninterested. lol

 

[CadBane]

I can definitely see what you mean by that. I have been texting this one Woman since September and we have met in person once last month. She's 25 going to School for Psychology and is always busy with school work. If she really wanted to could she hang out? Of course, but hey we've had this casual modern digital friendship going on for a bit so why not see where it goes? She said we can hang out again when School is over in less then two weeks. In a time where people match with you and then unmatch at the snap of a finger this seems pretty promising in comparison. sad as that sounds lol. Mysteriomaximus, I read everything you wrote and I'm sorry to hear about that.

 

[Masterfett]

You may want to think twice about dating a Psychology major and still be collecting toys.

 

[MysterioMaximus]

Oh in my case, it's all gravy now. It happens, relationships come and go, but my point it sometimes...and this is odd, but I'll confess to this happening to me. There's a sort of loneliness that takes over and you kind of accept...whatever. But also the very opposite has happened to me, where I'd become TOO picky too. I think it's important to recognize what you are looking for, but also what you can settle with as well. Sort of combo it both. But make sure you yourself, perhaps most important of all, are in it for the RIGHT reasons. I wasn't. I was lonely, I was selfish in my desire to BE desired, heck I even turned into kind of a jerk. And I realize now, I just don't think I was in it for those proper reasons, you know?

But only you, yourself, can know what those reasons are. But my friend, you seem like a real stellar dude. Hang in there, okay? As cliche as it is, it will happen eventually.

 

[Tulgah]

Both you guys seem like you’re heading in the right direction, because you have good attitudes and have gained a mature perspective!

 

[Cobalt60]

in The Beginning, we are born. we are a blank slate with no sense of "Identity" -- this doesn't form until we are 2 years old.

then we learn the word "Me" and it's all downhill from there -- our entire vocabulary revolves around the words "I, Me, Mine" -- this is called the "terrible two's".

(note: some people NEVER progress beyond this point).

eventually (ideally) we would outgrow our "terrible two's" and learn to extend this same sense of "Identity" to include other people -- this is called "empathy" -- we learn to care about other people, besides just ourselves.

(it often starts with tribalism/race/gender/religion/those-who-"look-like-us"/etc, but that's another thread -- let's face it -- it HAS to start somewhere -- these are the "baby steps")

at some point the scale tips in the other direction, and we realize, we are actually NOT the most important person on earth anymore.

--> NOW you are ready for a successful "relationship"

(google: "Han Solo's Character Arc" -- from selfish to selfless -- he learns to care about OTHER people, MORE than his own damned self -- only then, can he "get the girl")





I met my wife when I was 13. I've been married (to the same girl) for over 30 years. (we've been together as a "couple" for over 35 years).

people ask me "what's the secret" to a happy relationship..? my answer...? (in 3 words or less)...?

"Get Over Yourself" LOL




I think a lot of you guys are approaching this from the wrong angle. I'm seeing a lot of the words "I, Me, Mine".

think instead about what you bring to the relationship -- not what you can get out of it.

just a general observation (not directed at anyone in particular). cheers.