Changing the plot: What if ...?

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Anakin: "Who hired you? Tell us. Tell us now!!!"
Zam: "It was a bounty hunter called (saber dart hits her) ... Weeshonyt ... Slaymou. (she dies)."
Obi-Wan: "Toxic dart."
Anakin: "We need to find out who this 'Weeshonyt Slaymou' is, master. He must be the assasin we are looking for."
Obi-Wan: "I'll get on it first thing tomorrow."
 
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Leia: "Why, you stuck up, half witted, scruffy looking, nerf herder!!"
Han: "Who's scruffy looking?"
Leia: "I guess you don't know everything about women yet, do you."
She kisses C3PO.
 
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Yoda: "Umm. Lost a planet master Obi-Wan has. How embarrasing. How embarrasing!"
The younglings laugh at Obi-Wan, and he quickly leaves the room crying.
 
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TARKIN:dont worry we will deal with your rebel friends soon enough...you may fire when ready

GUNNER:er..sir...this message keeps coming up 'deathwindows had encountered a problem and needs to close of the problem persists please restart the death star and try again'

TARKIN:eek:h for the love of...

LEIA:hurrah!!!!
 
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ROTJ:
Jabba: "Your Jedi mind tricks will not work on me, boy."
Luke lifts Jabba up with the Force and drops him into the Rancor pit.
AOTC:
Padme: "I can't live a lie. Can you?"
Jar-Jar: "No. Mesa wants you bad."
Padme (tearing white shirt): "Take me now, stud."
funky r&b music fades in
ROTJ:
Post-Jedi battle, as Luke is trying to lead the mortally wounded Vader to a shuttle to escape the Death Star.
Vader: "Luke, help me take this mask off."
Luke: "But you'll die."
Vader: "It's too late for me. Just for once, let me look on you with my own eyes."
Luke nods, and takes off the helmet to reveal...
"Yub-yub!" Two Ewoks jump out of the suit and run away down the corridor.
 
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Rune Haako: "Their no match for droidekas!"
*Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon destroy the droids*
Rune Haako: "Oh...my...Okay, yes they are" Turns to a droid, "Get my shuttle will you."

Anakin flys into DCS in Ep. I, blows it up. As he's flying out, "Now this is podrac-AK!" Collides with MTT and dies, Luckily R2 uses his fun jet boosters and escapes, Ric sees him, "Look, one of ours! A DROID! YEE-HAW!"
 
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Boss Nass: "Jar Jar. Whosa them others?"
Amidala 1: "I'm queen Amidala of Naboo. We come before you in peace. We have searched you out because we wish to form an alliance."
Amidala 2: "Your honor."
Boss Nass: "Whosa this?"
Amidala 2: "I am queen Amidala. This is my decoy, my protector, my..."
Amidala 3: "Your honor. I am queen Amidala. These are my decoys. We have come before you to..."
Amidala 4: "Actually your honor, I am the real queen Amidala. I'm sorry for the deception but it was necessary to protect myself."

************************************************

Han: "It's ok, I can see a lot better."
Lando: "Higher, just a little higher!"
Han shoots and hits Lando's leg, which separates from his body and the tentacle pulls it inside the big mouth.

************************************************

Anakin: "What does that got to do with anything?"
Yoda: "Everything. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, suffering leads to ... no no no. Mace, how does that go again?"

************************************************
Shmi: "Ani, time to go to bed... Ani, I'm not going to tell you again."
Ani and Qui-Gon stay outside talking.

Shmi comes out with a big belt, looking very angry.
Shmi: "Ani, I warned you."

Qui-Gon: (whispering) "Ani, you better go inside."

Ani goes to his mother and then runs screaming. Shmi chases Ani inside the house with her belt, hiting glasses, pots, chairs, and everything in her way, making a big mess.

Qui-Gon: "Oops."
 
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Obi-Wan: "You're sweating. Relax."
Anikin leans on the transparisteel viewport of the lift, which cracks, shatters into a million pieces, and Anikin goes plunging to his death, leaving us with 1,2,4,5,& 6
 
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Just so know one knows Luke is Darth Vader's kid until EP 5, Padme and Obi-Wan fall in love and Padme divorces Anikin causing him to kill Padme AFTER the kids are born...
 
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Wedge:Look at the SIZE of that thing!
Red Leader: Cut the cha-(looks up)-Holy ****! that thing is ****ing huge!! full retreat!!!!

[ 08-20-2002, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: Jitt Misto ]
 
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OB1: You must go to the Dagobah System.
Luke:Dagobah system?
OB1: there you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi master that instructed me. OK, well he didn't really instruct me but he instructed Count Dooku who taught Qui-Gon Jinn who taught me, so Yoda is really my great-grandmaster...
Luke:*during this time Luke gets so bored he hangs himself with his scarf*

[ 08-24-2002, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: Jitt Misto ]
 
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Anakin: "I made this for you, so you'll remember me. It will bring you good fortune."

Padme: "It's beautiful. But I don't need this to remember you by. (she throws it away)"
 
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R2d2: "beep. boop beep . shudder shuderr, beep boop beep "droid noise." ah ha ha ah ha ha ha ha , laughed C-3PO, "R2, YOOUS SO DIRTY!"
 
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I liked the "I thought Han looked familiar" one. These are all VERY funny you guys.
 
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Scene: Anakin and Padme in Naboo Lake country...

Anakin: "I don't like sand, its' corse and rough, not like you, your everything is soft and smooth..." *Strokes her back*

Padme: *Looks over disgusted* "What the hell? Was that a pickup line? OMG that was terrible you freak!!!"

Anakin: "Uh..okay...how bout this...You must have bought your dress on the sun because your body is out of this world!!!"

Padme: "Umm...no."

Anakin: "Uh...ohkay...I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?"

Padme: *In disgust* "You sleep with a teddy bear? YUCK! Your a sick freak, go hit on Artoo or something you moron!!! *Stalks off*

Anakin: *His eyes light up at the mention of R2* "Ohh...astro droid...Now THAT'S fine!!! YOW!!!" *Walks off to find him*...
 
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Padme: "Suddenly I am afraid."
Anakin: "This is my first assignment. I am afraid too... Don't worry, we have R2 with us."
(They laugh.)
R2D2: "Beeepperrrpprrrr (meaning: 'Up yours, *******!')"
 
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Dexter: "Obi-Wan!"
Obi-Wan: "Hello, Dex!"
Dexter: "Hey, old buddy"
(he hugs Obi-Wan, but loses coordination and grabs Obi-Wan's butt, instead of his own pants, with his remaining set of hands)

************************************************

Obi-Wan: "Do you believe what Dooku said about Sidious controling the senate? It doesn't feel right."

Mace Windu: "What doesn't feel right, Obi-Wan? Do I have to explain it to you again? The sith lord you killed in Naboo must have been Sidious's apprentice. Didn't Dooku say that the Viceroy had been in league with the sith ten years ago, precisely when the invation of Naboo occured?"

Yoda: "Join the dark side Dooku has. Lies, deceit, creating mistrust are his ways now."

Mace Windu: "Ohh, not you too, master Yoda."
 
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ANH --
Luke: "But with the blast shield down, I can't even see. How am I supposed to fight?"

Ben: "Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them. But trust me when I say that nothing can deceive you like I can!"
 
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These are kinda weak, but here goes:

Han: Threepio! You tell that filthy slimball that he'll get no such pleasure from us!
Jabba: Ooooo, I like pleasure. Change of plans, put them in my bed.
************************************************

Vader: Luke, help me take this mask off.
Luke: Okay.
Vader: While your at it, remove my whole suit too.
Luke: Why?
Vader: Because of this suit, its been over twenty years since i've gotten to take a crap or a p*ss.
*************************************************

Biggs: Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
Luke: For God sake, Biggs, I'm just sucking your private, not attacking the Death Star's surface defences.
*************************************************

Thats all I've got for now.
 
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At the Death Star, Obi-Wan has just disabled the tractor beam. Two storm troopers stand at the end of the bridge.

(Troopers hear a sound.)
Storm trooper 1: "What's that?"
Storm trooper 2: "Um? Oh, that was just some gas, my fault. I've been under too much stress lately."
 
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Okay, here it goes.....

Obi-Wan: The council has granted me permission to train you, you will be a Jedi...

Anakin: Jedi? I just wanted off that stinkin rock, if this is what happens to Jedi-no thanks!

.................................................

Darth Vader: Impressive, most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well...

Luke: No, he didn't. He is at one with the force. Remember Yoda? He taught me how to kick your ###. I'm gonna go back to Dagobah and get him to destroy you. Remember how well he fared against Dooku....

..................................................

Anakin: I don't like sand, it's coarse, and rough, not smoooothhhhhh like....

Padme: ( slap to the head ) ( knee to the groin) Just stop right there, pa-lease. What kind of girl do you think I am?
 
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r2d2_26, good stuff!!!

Anyway....

ESB:
Han: Chewie, you have to take care of the princess now. There will be another time, place.
Leia: ( kisses Han )...I love you...
Han: What? What about you and Luke? Remember that sexy passonate kiss you gave him after his surgery? I saw you slip him the tongue! Why don't you just go ahead and hook up with Lando, I here he's available!

TPM:
Obi-Wan: I've got a bad feeling about this.
Qui Gon: That's funny, I feel great, must have been all the Jawa Juice I drank on the flight over.
Obi-Wan: No master, it's something else, something elusive.
Qui Gon: Oh, sorry. Your reading me. I had a major jonesin for that female pilot on the Republic cruiser. You know, it does get awfully lonely being a Jedi...( raises brow, squints eyes ) How you doin?

AOTC:
Padme: Since you've come back into my life, I've been dying a little bit each day...
Anakin: ( Remembers dream he had from the other night ) So what, you still have another 3 years to live, Dooku doesn't cut your head off until May 2005.

FOTJ (Episode 3 "Fall of the Jedi"):

Anakin: So let me get this straight, your expelling me from the Jedi Order for getting married, killing a few TR women/children, and for constantly disobeying my Masters orders? Screw you guys, i'm changing teams...
Yoda: You upset, we sorry.( ignites little green saber ) ( cuts Anakin in half ).
Obi-Wan: Whatcha do that for?!?!
Mace: He is the chosen one?!?!
Yoda: Nah, I finally figured it out. When I lay off the "Jedi" herb, I can talk and think straight. I foresaw him wiping us all out... I also figured out that the stinking guy right in front of our eyes (points to Palpatine) is the scumbag Sith Lord thats been screwing with us for the last 10-15 years ( proceeds to cut him in half ).
Mace: Whoa, I guess I need to lay off the "Jedi" herb..
(finally explains why the Jedi are soooo dumb).
 
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and now another....

TPM(while on Corruscant):

Obi-Wan: Master, why don't you follow the orders given by the council...If you follow their orders, you would surely be chosen to be on the council...
Qui-Gon: I shall do as I must, Obi-Wan....
Obi-Wan: What? What kind of line is that? I'm sick of your crap. Your over critical, selfish, and in some ways I feel I am more powerful than you. Now on top of that, your replacing me with some kid, and hanging out with some freakin swamp rat? Screw you!(storms off)
Qui-Gon: Wait! I have something to share with you....Yoda never told you what happened to your father....
Obi-Wan: Huh? What?
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan.... I am your father...Well no. Not really. Actually, I can't back up that claim. It's more likely that Sifo Dias is your dad (the Jedi were buck wild back in those days).
Obi-Wan: What???(rushes into to see the council) Where's Master Sifo-Dyas?
 
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Luke is training with ObiWan in the Falcon:
Luke(With Blastsheild down, swinging rapidly): I think I'm starting to get the hang of this. How am I doing Ben?

.....

Ben?

Luke pulls off the helmet and sees that his swinging has cut everyone into little tiny pieces.
 
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LOL, Slave

******************
ESB:
Han is fixing his ship, Luke is getting ready to go into battle.
Han: "You alright?"
Luke: "Yeah." He's going to say something, but doesn't (thinking <<I love you>>).
Han smiles, thinking <<I know>>.
Luke nods.
Han: "Be careful", <<you>>
Luke: "You too."
******************
 
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Originally posted by ponda barfly:
"your tauntaun will freeze before the first marker!"

"then i'll se...will it really?"

"yes it will, i'm afraid"

"oh,...well...i mean luke is a jedi, isn't he?"

"i don't know sir, i just work here"

"well i'd hate to cramp his style and to honest i'm a little tired...*yawn* i'll look in the morning...good night..." walks away whistling
<font size="2" face="arial">LOL!!!
 
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HAN: Still, she's got a lot of spirit.

Luke looks at him.

HAN: What do you think- you think a princess and a guy like me- and a guy like you...?

Han winks at him. A sly grin comes over Luke's face.

LUKE: Leia, c'mon up here. And bring your buns.

(Bass funk music begins to play)

Han removes his vest while Luke starts to undress.

HAN: Chewie, we're going on autopilot for a while.
 
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Luke is hanging from his feet inside the cave, and the Wampa starts walking toward him. Luke tries to reach the lightsaber but it's too far. He tries to use the Force but can't do it. He concentrates, and tries again. The lightsaber flies into his hand. He ignites it and frees himself falling to the ground. He tries to walk, but quickly falls. The monster is so close! Then Luke realizes his mistake: he just cut off his own feet... The wampa had a great meal that day.
 
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Great stuff. And on that note....

ESB

Yoda: Yesss, use the Force. A jedi's power flows from it...
Luke: Is the Dark side stronger?
Yoda: No. Elusive, more seductive..
Luke: Then why are you stuck on this crappy planet, eating such horrible food and living in a small hut?
Yoda: Hmmm, think I teach will you a lesson, my young padawan (put's Luke over his knee and whips his **** with his cane using super "Force fast action"). Listen you will now...
Luke: Ahhh, you are the master!!

AOTC

Anakin: You see that Jar Jar? I've thought about her every day for the last ten years. And she didn't even remember me.
Jar Jar: Meesa thinks yousa needsta getta lifesaa. Beesidessa, I'll be gettins with hersa during her napsaa. She likin da gungans, if ya nosea whatsa I meansa...
Obi-Wan: (says under his breath) Ewwe, scary thought. Anakin, she was happy to see us (as he says this, he pictures the 7 foot frog guy gettin busy with the 4 foot tall former queen).. And I guess she's happy to see the Gungan..

TPM

Sio Bibble: A communications disruption can mean only one thing, invasion...
Queen Amidalla: I won't condone an action that will lead us to war..
(Just then a Federation ship lands on the palace, squashing everyone inside).
Queen Amidalla: (her dieing words) Darn, now I won't be able to fall in love (rob the cradle) with the underage kid, marry him (cost him his job) and have his twins. And to think, my mother always warned me that I should stay out of politics!!
 
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Padme: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" (she falls)
Anakin: "Padme!!" (to the pilot) "Lower the ship!"
Obi-Wan: "Anakin, don't let your personal feelings interfere with... Ah!! (the ship gets hit and Obi-Wan falls). (shouting)Anakin help! Stop!"
Anakin: "You were saying?"
 
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ESB: Lando, Han, Leia and Chewie enter the dining room only to find Darth Vader. Han shoots at Vader, but when Vader Force pulls Han's blaster, it hits him in the head, causing him to fall, thus ruining his entire plan.

AOTC: Lama Su: Magnificent, aren't they?(Looking at the clones, all lined up in one huge curvy line. Obi Wan uses the force to trip the last clone, causing all of the clones to fall like dominoes.)
Obi Wan: Now I know why that one troop will bang his head on the Death Star's door.
 
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Obi-Wan: "Anakin, remember: a Jedi uses the Force only for knowledge and defense. Never use the Force to attack even your enemies."

Anakin: "What? Oh, hell, whatever. I'm joining the Dark Side."

Yoda: "Ummmm. Lost an apprentice master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing, how embarrassing."
 
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Star Wars meets Bewitched:

Look is hanging from the ceiling in the cave. He tries to get his lightsaber for can't reach it. With a simple twitch of his nose (teetooteetooteet): the lightsaber flies to him.
 
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Yoda and the clone troopers suddenly appear...

Yoda: "Around the survivors a perimeter create."

Clone Trooper: "Master Yoda, what survivors are we talking about here? All we see are lots of dead bodies in the arena."

Yoda looks down to find Anakin, Padme, Obi-Wan, Mace, and all the others dead.

Yoda: "Oh, no. I knew that clone party with Tawn Wee and Lama Su on Kamino would cost us. All the same, you clones are: big party animals."
 
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