a cold day on hoth version 2

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id like to open by saying that i decided to rewrite this story for a couple of reasons.
first of all no one really said much about it previously so i have no idea if its loved or hated or if its the worst of the stories ive written and posted here so far.
second of all i wasnt satisfied with it it just seemed like a random series of events that had no real stakes.
then i had an idea tha tmade the story seem much more dramatic and emotional. so here it is.
this version starts out the same but most of the middle portion is very different. i hope everyone enjoys the new version.

a cold day on hoth
chapter 1
Farris Tarve ducked around the corner and pressed her back against the wall, the palm of her hand was soaked with sweat where it tightly gripped her blaster.
beside her, her younger sister Vashlynn was breathing hard as well.

"did we lose them?" she whispered.
Farris peered around the corner at the five stormtroopers still searching for them.

"no,"
she whispered,"there's at least five more of them out there. still searching."
they were in the imperial moon base on Gall.
the rebellion needed supplies badly and they had volunteered to lead a team on a supply run but the other rebels had been spotted and killed in the ensuing firefight.
she and Vashlynn had managed to grab a few things and stuffed them into a backpack but it was so little they might as well have not come at all.

but Farris was determined to not leave empty handed.
"this mission will succeed or not happen at all" was a phrase she too often used.
Vashlynn hated her stubbornness and thought she was overly dedicated to the rebellion sometimes,but she was her big sister and she loved her.
right now though, Vashlynn wasn't sure what they would do.

"we can take them." Farris decided.
"Vash, I'll run out and take as many down as I can while they're off guard.
then you follow doing the same. I'll cover you."
Vashlynn nodded.
"ok."
"GO!"
Farris ran, her long legged strides taking her quickly across the gap between buildings
to the next wall cover.
as she ran, she gunned down two of the stormtroopers.
Vashlynn ran a few steps then dove into a slide.
as she flew through the air she tagged two more stormtroopers while Farris took down the last one.

the two women ran as fast as they could back to where their ship was docked.
as they ran, a klaxon began to hoot.
"oh not good!" Farris muttered.
"great! as if we didn't have ENOUGH stormtroopers after us already!"
Vashlynn growled, agreeing with her sister's assessment of the rapidly declining situation.
the ship was in sight now, a white and blue corellian freighter,a newer model than the millennium falcon.
Farris ran up the ramp, her sister close behind.
"get on the guns!" Farris yelled as she threw herself into the pilots seat.
"right!"
Vashlynn threw down her pack and ran to the gunwell, sliding down the ladder to the belly turret.
she was barely buckled in when she felt the ship lurch as Farris floored it.
"I'm in!"
Vashlynn's voice crackled over the intercom.
"we have ties incoming!"
Farris warned as she went into evasive maneuvers.
"try to hold them off till I can get the jump to hyperspace set."
suddenly a massive shape appeared in the space before them.
"STANG!" Farris swore.
"what?!"
"a star destroyer just came out of hyperspace directly in our path! hold on!"
Farris threw the ship into a diving spin as the ties closed in and began firing.
she heard the turrets light up as the tie fighters closed in and Vashlynn opened fire.
Vashlynn took down a succession of ties, five within the first two minutes and another
three after that. there were just too many. it was hard NOT to hit them.
"Farris we have a real flarg storm of ties back here!"
"just hold on Vash!" she called.
Vashlynn fired, taking down several more ties.
she fired again and missed as Farris banked the ship hard to port away from her target.
"I would have hit that one..." she muttered.
"sorry," Farris said tightly.
"there's plenty more out there, Vash."
Farris threw the ship into a corkscrew, avoiding a pincer maneuver as more ties closed in.
"watch it Farris,I think they are trying to herd us toward that star destroyer."
and if they did,the tractor beams would have them.
Farris didn't answer.
"did you hear me-"
"I HEARD YOU! just focus on the ties and I'LL worry about the Star destroyer!"
Farris banked hard to Starboard trying to get as much distance as possible between themselves
and the Star destroyer while evading the ties.
the sooner they could jump to lightspeed the better.
one of the ties scored a hit and an alarm began sounding.
Farris swore.
"shields are failing! I'm going to have to reroute power."
rerouting the power would cover the whole ship again but the shield strength would be overall weaker.
Vashlynn took out three more ties but twelve more were coming in fast.
"Farris, whatever your doing, HURRY."
she wasn't shouting.
Vashlynn had a quiet firmness in her voice that Farris had learned to recognize as serious.
Farris spun the ship in a complicated pattern that ended right on the needed trajectory and pulled the levers.
then watched as the stars stretched and they entered hyperspace.
chapter 2

Farris slumped in her chair and wiped the sweat from her forehead.
she heard the door hiss as it opened and Vashlynn plopped down exhaustedly in the copilots seat.
"I hope it was worth it." she said softly.
"me too." Farris agreed.
"we barely grabbed enough supplies for one person, but maybe there's something on those data tapes you grabbed."
Vashlynn nodded.
"I'll go through it all on the way back to the base."
Farris nodded and keyed the ship to auto pilot.
"ok."
as she spoke she stood and slipped out of her tan fatigue jacket.
underneath she wore a sleeveless olive grey under shirt that showed off her hard lean arms.
"I'm going to hit the shower and get some sleep."
"ok. good night Farris."
Farris smiled and leaned down to give her little sister a kiss on the cheek and a pat on the arm.
"good night Vash. you get some rest too."
"I will."

after getting her own shower, Vashlynn checked the ship, making sure they were still on course and all was in order since Farris was already asleep in her bunk and the ship was set to auto pilot.
then she set about checking to see what they had made off with from the imperial base.
she had found some rations, lots of spare ammo packs for hand blasters, a few for rifles and a power unit for an e web energy turret.
standing up and stretching her stiff back, Vashlynn went over to the computer console with the data tapes she had grabbed in the imperial base.
she tried each one but they were all encrypted.
Vashlynn sighed and opened some rations to eat.
she would wait on Farris to wake up before she slept just to be safe.
she didn't like sleeping in hyperspace if no one was manning the ship.
the thought of a malfunction and being lost forever in otherspace creeped her out.
Farris had always laughed at her and said it was silly to be afraid of such a thing.
but it was better safe than sorry, Vashlynn always said.
with nothing better to do, Vashlynn sat down in the co pilots seat.
for a long time she just sat watching the hyperspace tunnel thunder quietly along outside the viewport.
it was quiet,the only other sounds the hum of the engines, and the quiet beeps of onboard equipment.

it was so quiet that Vashlynn had dozed off for a couple of hours when a shrill alarm began blaring, startling her awake.
a moment later Farris ran in and dove into the pilots chair.
she quickly checked the monitors and control boards, her blue eyes frantically searching.
"what happened?"
"I dont know," Vashlynn admitted worriedly, her own eyes searching for any warning lights or other signs of malfunctions.
"I was just sitting here when the alarm went off."
Farris gripped the hyperspace levers and eased them back into normal space.
immediately several lights turned red on the board and Farris swore as multiple alarms began pinging loudly.
"looks like that last hit we took got through our shields!
I don't think we can risk jumping to lightspeed again until we set down somewhere and see how bad the damage is."
outside the viewport,Vashlynn saw a large asteroid field and off to the left, the large white sphere of an ice planet.
"where are we?" she asked.
Farris checked the coordinates.
"the Hoth system. that's it there off to port."
Vashlynn frowned as she leaned closer to lookout the viewport.
"they say the temperatures are brutal cold down there.
there's got to be somewhere else we can put down-"
"where?!" Farris snapped.
"one of the asteroids? I'm good,but I'm no Han Solo."
Vashlynn shook her head.
"I'm not sure even Han would be THAT crazy."
before Farris could reply there was a loud sound in the backroom and the fire alarms began blaring
and the acrid smell of smoke began to fill the air.
"uh oh."
Farris was half out of her seat but Vashlynn leapt up first.
"you stay here and fly the ship. I'll see what's wrong."
Farris nodded and turned back to the controls.
"ok."
Vashlynn sprinted to the main hold and stopped.
the floor compartment where the engine piping was located was engulfed in flames.
"Farris! we have a major problem!"
"I KNOW!" Farris shouted back, "the controls aren't responding!"
Vashlynn's heart skipped a beat and she ran back to where her sister was struggling with the control yoke.
"the hold is up in flames!"
Farris spared a glance at her sister, her eyes wide.
"what?!"
Vashlynn looked as scared as Farris felt but she had no time to comfort her sister.
the ship was on a descent course into hoth's atmosphere and there was nothing Farris could do to stop it.
Farris tore open the console panel and began attempting to get whatever she could out of the ailing ship.
meanwhile the icy wastes of hoth were beginning to fill the viewport.
Farris worked furiously on something inside the control panel when finally the yoke began responding.
sluggishly, but it WAS responding.
Farris gripped the yoke in white knuckled hands.
please let us live through this, Farris thought to herself but didn't say aloud.
up ahead an icy mountain was quickly filling the viewport.
Farris muttered something obscene in huttese.
Vashlynn had heard the phrase a few times before but Farris still refused to tell her what it meant.
Farris hauled on the controls as hard as she could, gritting her teeth with the effort.
she hoped the ship would turn on its side and miss the mountain.
"come on!"
at the last possible second the ship banked.
but not enough.
they didn't hit the mountain head on, but the belly grazed the uppermost peak with a loud shriek.
fresh warning lights lit up on the control board.
"dammit!" Farris snarled.
something snapped off outside and the ship began spinning counterclockwise, starboard over port.
Farris was strapped in but Vashlynn was getting tossed about in the confines of the ship.
"hold on!" she shouted to her sister wishing she could help her.
Vashlynn grabbed the co pilots seat and managed to get in and buckle herself down.
the ship slammed into the ground and skidded on the ice for what seemed like forever before slamming hard into the base of a snowy mountain.

chapter 3

Farris groaned as she groggily awoke.
"Vash?" she said hoarsely.
"Vashlynn?"
her sister was slumped over the control console, eyes closed, blood dripping from a gash on her forehead.
"Vash!" Farris tried to rise but her leg was pinned under the crushed console.
swearing, she pried at the bent metal until she could get her leg free.
"hang on Vash, I'm coming."
the ship was a mess of twisted metal and shattered glass.
the fires in the hold were roaring loudly as they spread farther into the ship.
Farris grabbed the medkit from under the seat and carefully picked her way through the debris over to Vashlynn sat unmoving.
she was breathing shallowly but she was alive.
Farris hated to move her without examining her first, but she was afraid the ship would explode at any moment.

slipping the medkit strap over her shoulder, she undid Vashlynn's restraints and slipped her arms
under Vashlynn's armpits and hauled her up.
she quickly dragged her to the main hold toward the ramp.
pressing the button did nothing, so she laid her sister on the deck as far from the fires as she could and slammed her shoulder into the ramp door repeatedly.
it refused to budge.
it began to dawn on Farris that they might be trapped inside the ship.
and it was becoming uncomfortably hot.
Farris swore profanely using a few choice phrases she would never use around Vashlynn otherwise.
"Farris?" Vashlynn moaned softly.
"Vash?! are you ok?"
Vashlynn held a hand to her head to stop the room from spinning.
"I feel like I've been hit by an angry wookiee."
Farris knelt and hugged her sister tightly,giving her a kiss on the unbloodied side of her head.
"I was so worried!"
she said as she helped Vashlynn to her feet.
Farris put a steadying arm around her Vashlynn's waist as she considered their options.

"the ramp's jammed. where's Chewbacca when you need him?" Farris muttered.
Vashlynn eyed the gunwell.
"maybe we could break the glass and get out through there?"
Farris brightend at the idea.
"good idea Vash!"

as it turned out, the glass on the belly turret had been shattered and the gun and been torn off when it struck the mountain.
however the ship had landed upright and the lower gunwell room was buried in the snow.
the upper gunwell turret wasn't damaged but it didn't take long to break through and get out.
they risked a few minutes to gather up what supplies and clothing they could knowing they would be facing extreme cold.
once they were clear, Farris turned back to stare at the wrecked ship.
she felt tears welling up in her eyes.
it was only a ship but the lightspeed dream had meant everything to her.
this ship had been their salvation.

they had been born on another world she barely remembered but had been raised on the streets of Nar Shadaa and Nal Hutta most of their younger years.
in order to provide for herself and Vashlynn, she had had to get her hands dirty at a young age.
Farris had taken various jobs over the years to make ends meet.
when she was a teenager, she had been coerced into becoming a dancer for one of the hutt crimelords, even stripping for him when she didn't have a choice.
the first time she had refused him....things had gotten out of hand.
and from then on, Farris had just endured whatever humiliation she had to to avoid trouble.
once she had gotten older she had became mechanic for that same hutt; after he recognized her technical skills, he had put her to work maintaining his motorpool.
though he still wanted a private dance from time to time, fixing skiffs and speeders was preferable to the public performances she had been forced to deal with previously.

while all hutts were unpleasant and cruel, it wasn't at all like the stories she had heard about Jabba the hutt.
Farris was also allowed to work on speeders and skiffs for others who would pay for her services so long as they went through her master first.
she had taken whatever jobs she could get that would help them earn easy credits.
she had spent six long years in the hutt's employ before an angry wookiee bounty hunter named Snoova
had killed the crimelord after he was refused the price he wanted on a bounty.
she had taken Vashlynn and escaped, getting clear of the fallout as soon as possible.
Farris had had a feeling that whatever new master they ended up with wouldn't be so kind.
with the money she had secretly saved,Farris had managed to buy a run down ship and get off world.
they had traveled around the galaxy after that until they had met up with the alliance.

Farris felt a gentle squeeze on her shoulder.
Vashlynn just looked at her.
she didn't have to say anything.
she knew what the 'Dream had meant to Farris.

with an effort Farris tore her eyes away from the burning wreckage of her ship.
"we need to get going. find what shelter we can before nightfall."
"we don't even have proper cold weather gear." Vashlynn said quietly.
"what are we going to do?"
Farris looked at Vashlynn with unshed tears in her eyes and whispered, "I'm sorry Vash.
I promised our parents I'd watch over you. that we would be SAFE."
Farris wiped her eyes and Vashlynn drew her into a hug.
"hey as long as we have each other we'll be ok."
Vashlynn encouraged her.
"we'll get through this."
Farris sniffed and wiped her eyes.
"I know. thank you Vash."

chapter 4

the planet's surface was covered in blinding white snow drifts as far as they could see.
both women loaded up as much as they could carry and set out across the snowy plains.
it was midday.
it was cold, but the sun gave them some warmth.
the night would bring deadly cold so Farris insisted that they cover as much ground as possible.

they found a large cavern on the other side of the cliff that kept out the worst wind.
after rummaging around the wreckage together and searching the supplies they had scavenged,
the two sisters had found enough extra clothing that they could bundle themselves up well enough to keep relatively warm though it wouldn't help much
if they were trapped on hoth for a prolonged period of time.
of more immediate concern to Farris was they had no way to call for help.
nothing on the ship still functioned enough to build any kind of comm device and most of the spare parts and the portable short range comms had been lost in the shipboard fires.
she was also concerned that they didn't have much food or drink to keep warm with, though they had salvaged all they could.
even if they could somehow put out a distress signal, Farris was worried that the empire might be the ones
to intercept it.
and if they did...things were back to square one.

after treating Vashlynn's injuries, they spent the better part of the day walking around the campsite they had set up in the shallow cave in the mountainside sorting through what supplies they had.
it was even colder than they had anticipated.
even under all the layers of clothing Farris was freezing.
they sat in the shelter of the cave with what hot food and drinks from the ships stores they had to try and keep their strength up.
"I hope we can get a distress call out somehow," Farris said between sips of hot caf, "because tonight the temperatures will drop to deadly levels and I don't want us out here in it."
Vashlynn nodded as she sipped her drink, grateful for the warmth it was returning to her numb fingers.
"you won't hear me complaining."
"you? not complain?" Farris teased.
Vashlynn laughed.
"oh shut up, Farris!" she said playfully.
Farris smiled. she was glad that Vashlynn felt well enough to joke around.
"we could stay near the ship fires for warmth so long as its burning, but im afraid it could explode."
Vashlynn nodded.
"I think you're right. we should just keep getting whatever supplies we can from near the ship and use those.
maybe we can build a transmitter or something."
Farris shrugged and drained her cup, feeling the last of the warm drink coursing through her body.
"it's worth a shot. lets see what we can get done before nightfall."

***

Farris leaned against the hatch and sighed,the wind whipping at her hood.
every breath burned from the cold.
she tugged the mask tighter around her mouth and pulled her hood down more snugly about her head.
they had been scrounging through the smoldering ship for a while now and no amount of searching had turned up anything useful.
the cold was so intense that the fires had gone out fairly quickly leaving them to explore the burned out husk at their own pace.
she pounded her fist on the hull and swore.
"stang!"
Farris slammed her fist into the hull again even harder.
Vashlynn sat on the ruins of the front landing strut, her hands tucked into her armpits, shivering.
"calm down Farris. maybe we can find something if we keep looking."
Farris sighed and nodded.
"yeah maybe. come on, its getting late. lets get inside the shelter for the night."

Vashlynn rose and followed her to the blessed warmth of the cave depression.
that night as Vashlynn slept,Farris lay pressed close to her for warmth.
every once in a while, she heard something under the howling of the wind that sounded like the growl of a large beast.
she drew her blaster and kept it ready the entire night.
"Farris?"
she was surprised to see Vashlynn awake.
"did I wake you?"
Vashlynn snuggled closer for warmth.
"no. have you been awake all night?"
whatever she had been hearing was quiet now so Farris holstered her blaster.
"yeah. I was thinking about home."
"which one?" Vashlynn smiled.
it was an old joke between them.
"Nal hutta, Nar Shaddaa, the hutts..."
"ah."
Vashlynn had been pretty young then so all of that was hazy for her,if she even remembered it at all.
"afraid I can't be much help there."
Vashlynn admitted.
"I only remember living there with you and not much else."
"you hungry?" Farris asked as she sat up and opened one of the few food cases they had recovered.
"yeah." Vashlynn said as she sat up as well.
they had recovered a box of flares from the ship wreckage.
Vashlynn lit one for warmth and laid it between them.
Farris was glad they had found them. not just for the warmth but the light might scare off whatever she had heard.
she voiced her concerns.
Vashlynn shook her head.
"I didnt hear anything. but I was asleep.
Farris chewed her lower lip.
had she imagined it?
"we have food for a few days at best, if we stretch it.
but im hoping to be gone before then."

chapter 5
the next several days were miserable.
they just huddled together getting colder and weaker each day.
they were so cold the third night that they just held each other close while several flares burned
beside them.
occasionally Farris heard the whatever it was growling during the night.
one night they had both heard a loud roar and the sound of something else scream in pain then stop abruptly as though it had been killed.
Farris lay with her arms around Vashlynn, hugging her sister close to her body to keep her warm while keeping her blaster ready in her hand.
Vashlynn was beginning to get weak and delirious from the cold.
their food was nearly gone and Farris was doing without to keep Vashlynn's strength up.
Farris began to pray to whoever was listening to save them.
"whoever's out there," she whispered hoarsely,
"take me if you have to but spare my sister.
just please spare my little sister."
Farris choked back a sob as she squeezed Vashlynn tight in her arms.
she could feel her tears freezing on her cheeks as she shed them.
she loved Vash so much.
she couldn't lose her now.
not like this.
Farris thought back to the most shameful and humiliating moments of her life as a dancer for her hutt master on nar shadaa and none of it seemed as bad as the despair she felt now.
"if I could just FLY."
she thought.
"we could escape this place-"
that's IT.
FLY.
ESCAPE.
Farris scrambled to her feet clumsily on stiff half frozen limbs.
she grabbed a flare and set out into the ice field.
"Farris?" Vashlynn called weakly after her.
Farris hurried over and checked on her.
"stay warm Vash. I have an idea about how we can get out of here."
Vashlynn seemed as warm as they could expect in the middle if the night.
still, Farris heated up their last food pack,some type of stew from a planet she had never heard of.
Vashlynn objected.
"Vash, your weaker than I am. you eat. I'll be fine."
Vashlynn shook her head.
"no. you eat half of this or I wont eat it."
"Vash-" she started but Vashlynn stopped her.
"I know you've been lying to me. you haven't eaten in two days because you're giving it all to me."
Farris sighed and movied closer to her.
"you always were stubborn,Vash."
they huddled close and ate together sharing the food as equally as they could.
Farris was grateful for the warmth of the food in her belly.
it would also make her next task easier to perform.
after making sure Vashlynn was warm and comfortable, and making sure both had fully charged blasters, Farris set out into the ice field toward the wrecked ship.

lighting the flare, she climbed into the ship the same way they had gotten out.
she made her way through the ship to the escape pods.
holding the flare in her teeth she worked the bent steel outer door free and began inspecting the pods.
one had been crushed in but the hyperdrive looked ok.
there was no way they could use that one.
she set about checking the other one.
after a thorough examination she decided the pod itself was still space worthy but the thrusters and guidance systems were smashed.
she made her way back to vashlynn.
"ok I think I can get us out of here."
Vashlynn perked up.
"great! what did you find?"
I think I can build an escape pod by using parts from both of them."
Vashlynn stared at her.
"Farris! you know there's only room for one person."
Farris met her eyes.
"I know. thats why-"
"NO!" Vashlynn shouted and threw her empty food container at her sister as she was speaking.
"-you're going." Farris finished.
Vashlynn crossed her arms.
"NO."
"Vash we have to-"
"NO! I am NOT leaving you here to freeze to death!" Vashlynn sobbed.
Farris sighed.
"you're my SISTER! you're the only family I have LEFT!" Vashlynn shouted, her voice echoing across the plains and mixing with the howling winds.
she sank to the ground and hung her head.
"I can't lose you!" she sobbed.
"I just can't!"
"hey," Farris put her arm around her shoulders and hugged her tightly.
"we'll figure it out ok?
dont cry anymore sweetie."
Vashlynn nodded and hugged her sister close.
Farris wrapped her arms around her little sister.
inwardly she cursed herself.
she had known Vashlynn would react this way.
why had she assumed she wouldn't?
as she soothed her sister, Farris considered their options.
the 'dream was smashed beyond all hope of fixing without tools and equipment she didn't have,that much was certain.
unless someone found them soon,and no one had any reason to come to hoth, their only hope was to fix the escape pods.

Farris spent the remainder of the night with a flare between her teeth working on the two pods,
pulling them out,stripping off good or ruined parts and then reassembling them until they had one good escape pod.
it might be a tight squeeze, but she believed she and Vash might both fit into the pod.
once she was sure it was ready, she hurried over to Vashlynn.
they packed up whatever few supplies they had left and started back across the ice field.
Farris climbed into the pod with Vashlynn squeezing in on top of her.
it was awkward but she quickly operated the controls and the pod lifted smoothly off the ground.
Farris let out a sigh of relief as the pod headed up and away from hoth.
Vashlynn squirmed in her lap trying to get comfortable and complaining the entire time but Farris just smiled.
they had made it.


epilogue

Farris sighed as the hot water ran down her bare skin.
after the bone numbing cold of hoth she had nearly forgotten what it was like to truly be warm.
they had managed to get a transmission encoded and sent from the pod and an alliance cruiser had shown up a few hours later.
after getting medical examinations they were both allowed to shower,eat, and warm up before being debriefed by the rebel command staff.
after a couple more minutes of savoring the hot water Farris turned off the refresher and got dressed before heading down to the briefing room.

"that's quite a story you have there," General Rieekan told them after they had explained everything that had happened to them.
"I'm sorry sir." Farris said tiredly.
"we failed to get anything the rebellion can use and lost what little we did get in the crash."
"on the contrary corporal Tarve, I think you found us something better than supplies."
Farris frowned.
"I don't understand sir."
the general smiled.
"that cave you took shelter in is large enough to be used as a hanger bay.
with excavation we could make it into a new base for the alliance."
across the room the doors slid open and Luke entered.
"oh hey you two!" Luke skywalker grinned at them.
"it's good to see you both back from your mission safe."
Vashlynn blushed slightly.
"thanks Luke."
Farris shook his hand.
"thank you commander Skywalker. it's good to be back."

a moment later Princess Leia joined them as well.
"I'm glad to see you both safe," she said warmly.
"I'm sorry princess," Farris said softly,"we failed to get any supplies."
Leia shook her head.
"it happens sometimes Farris but you can't blame yourselves. I've failed missions too.
we just have to keep fighting.it's all we can do until the empire is defeated."
she met their eyes.
"freedom. THAT'S what we fight for."
Farris smiled at Vashlynn.
Vashlynn smiled back.

the end
 

Utinniii

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This version is much better than the previous one. It is more cohesive and more thought out.

While reading it, my first thought was about the failure of the mission. A food run is not all that exciting. There are no stakes involved.
I also found the fighting descriptions too simple. Taking out 2 Stormtroopers or 3 TIEs in a single sentence seems all to easy. I don't feel the threat.
Now the crash had a lot more detail and I felt the stakes there. That part was interesting.

I'd think about how you represent women in this story. Gratuitous shower scene aside, did she really need to be a stripper? I'm not saying she couldn't be one, just is there enough balance to her character?

This was much better with it just being about the 2 sisters and how they felt about each other. And just trying to survive.

Ending with the hot shower makes for a nice bookend with the previous one. Here it has a lot more meaning.
 
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to be honest i agree with you i was concerned about the whole stripper thing even though it was mentioned in the previous version as well.
it was actually almost worse than that but i decided to do some rewrites.
and i never try to objectify women but i wanted to show that she had really had to grow up in a harsh environment.
and while the hutt did treat her like an object he did respect her a bit more once he learned she was good at repairing things and the like.
i tried to give them a uniqe backstory because so many people do the corellian smuggler, or tatooine famer pilot thing in the old eu.
if this wasnt before the cloudcity incident they would have been from bespin. that wazs my original idea until i realized tha tthe setting prevented it
since the evacuation hadnt happened yet.
i suppose the world they were born on that farris barely remembered could still be bespin since it was never revealed where they were born.

it could also be that i havent conveyed enough about her through the story. i had this same issue with another character from another book where i dont think the full range is coming across.
for the shower it was just an everyday thing the first time and the 2nd after being stuck on an ice planet for several days i felt like she would appreciate such a simple thing a bit more.
also i didnt "show" any nudity i didnt describe her naked body or anything like that. i tried to keep it brief to not sexualize it.

im glad you liked the story though. i felt like being stranded made for a more compelling story though i nearly wrote myself into a corner because then i couldnt figure out to get them OFF of the planet.
i tried the thing with folshana again but it just still felt too implausible that anyone would just happen to land on hoth and find them. that also led into the unpleasant bit i mentioned earlier and so i scrapped that,
it was then that i had the idea of repairing an escape pod. originally i toyed with her making vashlynn leave her behind and go find help, but i figured that would just needlessly drag the story out.
not doing that also gave me one of the best (to me at least) scenes where they argue about not leaving each other behind.
i also couldnt do a full blown wampa scene since they wouldnt know in esb about them yet so i decided to just hint that things were out there that could hurt them.
once i got the escape pod idea went and read about them on wookieeepedia and decided that was the most plausible option they had.
also i noticed a plothole that i coudlnt fix such as why didnt they just stay in the ship after the fires went out? i dont know :p
also about the stormtroopers and ties. ive been worried about vashlynn (farris too but mostly vash) looking like a mary sue so i have held back some on the action scenes.
i kind of lean on continuity with the other stories.
in tales from echo base we learned that vashlynn is a marksman and that farris is a pilot but we never really got to see it so im trying to show it in the other stories.
if you read carefully you will notice i edited the escape scenes from the beginning and end of the previous version into one big action scene.
i was afraid that since vashlynn would be taking out double the number of ties now that she would seem even worse a mary sue but hopefully i edited it enough that it dosent.
 
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This version is much better than the previous one. It is more cohesive and more thought out.

While reading it, my first thought was about the failure of the mission. A food run is not all that exciting. There are no stakes involved.
I also found the fighting descriptions too simple. Taking out 2 Stormtroopers or 3 TIEs in a single sentence seems all to easy. I don't feel the threat.
Now the crash had a lot more detail and I felt the stakes there. That part was interesting.

I'd think about how you represent women in this story. Gratuitous shower scene aside, did she really need to be a stripper? I'm not saying she couldn't be one, just is there enough balance to her character?

This was much better with it just being about the 2 sisters and how they felt about each other. And just trying to survive.

Ending with the hot shower makes for a nice bookend with the previous one. Here it has a lot more meaning.
im considering more changes but id like opions first
what if instead of farris being a stripper instead she was made to dance naked as a punishment for something?
which leads into this idea what if back then(not anymore) she wa adicted to spice or giggledust or some type of drug and she stole it from the hutts stash?
and also i have toyed with making her a lesbian but im not too sure of that idea. what are your thoughts?
 

Utinniii

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Any idea can work so long as there is a good reason for it happening. That being said, female heroes have changed quite a bit since the Fantasy'Sci-fi novels I read as a kid.
Write whatever makes you happy, but understand that you will be judged by today's standards of writing. This might give you an idea of how people will digest your characters.

 
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